you think you know, but you have no idea

CAUTION:  all this writing and thought might cause you to think.  also popele with high blood pressure please dont read this. ps, this does not have any flow with it.

I dont tell people much about my life. all I tell them is that I was born in Ohio, moved to Colorado, then to Canton, Michigan, after that Italy, and finaly after living in a few different cities in Michigan finaly setteling down in Ferndale Michigan.  And that is mostly it.  I am afiad to tell people about me. I dont want them to judge me for what i have done.  Everyone says that they dont judege people, but the truth is that everyone judges people.  I dont if the world would be better if people did not judege people or not. It would be really nice to live in that kind of world or town.  Having people not judging other people for what they look like, for what they believe in, for what they think, and for what they have done in there life.  But that might be a bit hard to live in after a while. 

There are times what i just want to let everything out. When i want to tell someone my life story while sitting at Leo's.  Just to get it off my mind.  But then there is most of the time when i dont want to tell people everything about me, because who will i keep in touch with after high school? Whol will be my real friends  I have lost a good handfull of friends in my life and I feel like I am going to lose so much more during senior year.  Friends are a big part of my life.    

I am  not saying that i had the worst family in the world. There are other families that have more problems then mine, but I am not saying that my family is TV perfect.  But what is normal family any more?  There are so much more divorses now. More parents are saying that they are gay.  More has kids doing drugs or drink at a much younger age.  So what is a normal family?  Is it  a divorsed family with a gay parent, the kids rolln some joints up at a local park when they should be at school? maybe...

Sometimes I wish that I had a time machine.  Once my cousin asked me:  If you could have one special power what would it be? And i told her that i would want to go back in time and live my life at one age for the rest of my life.  I would go back to the age of 5 for the rest of my life.  Five was sorta good year for me, not the best but if i just forget one thing that happend i wuld be golden.  

Favoritism.  All parents do it.  No matter what they say.  Yeah ok it is true that each kid brings something speical to the family, but it is always the first kid.  They  get it so easy and yet so hard.  The first gets to bend the rules much more, they get to experiment with the parents, they get the most loving the longest.    This is sorta why i dont want kids.  I would also bet them too.  So that is not good.  I am not going to lie. Sometimes when I am babysitting my cousins I want to hit them some times for doing something dumb.  
_{^{It is true, things like that gets passed down form parent to kid...}}

I am reading this book for Holocaust.  It is called Survival in Auschwitz.   Some parts i have not clue what is going on.  I dont even know what he is talking about.   But then there are the other parts when i cant believe that the Holocaust really happend.  That a person, the so many people when through that.  My grandfather was in a concentration camp.  Not in Auschwitz, but in and other one.  He too survived.  He died about six years ago.  You would think that i would have cried.  But I didnt.  Call me a bad person, call me an ass. I jsut didnt cry.  I never really knew him that well.  We would go up every weekend (when he was sick and before he became sick) and I would walk in and say hello, give a kiss, then night would fall and i would say goodnight with a kiss.  And that was a normal day talking to him.   I never herd him tell a joke,  I dont know  what his favorite animal was,  fav color, season, food.  Nothing.  All i know is that he was (I think) dorn in Poland, met my grandmother, went into the concentation camp , survived, moved to America with my grandmother. Had four kids, the first one died when born, but the other three lived.  My mom and two aunts.  He always wanted to be and engeneer but never became one, so the three girls became it for him.  
I guess that is alot, but it does not feel it.  Also he made funiture out of wood.   Most of my wood things in my room where made by him.   My dresser, night stand, the two shelves, desk and chair to go with the desk.  The only things that he did not make was my bed and my bookcase.  He can make a bed. He made my cousin a bed.   I loved grandfathe, I just didnt really know him.  

18.  I think that I cant wait to become 18.  I can buy things off the TV vote, and i dont have to listent to the courts any more.  I dont have to listne to my dad.  But i think that i will just because if i dont my life will be down in the tube.  I dont know what the law is like over there where he lives.  And i dont want to find out.  
When I told you that secret i felt really good getting that one off my chest.  I held that one in for a really lond time.  Thank you.  I might have nit ment to say it but it was on my mind.   But i am glad it is out.  

I still dont feel like a senior.   Yeah we have the BK crowns and everything, the spinner tassels.  It just doesnt feel like it. .  We took the picture, we orderd the cap and gownd, there is the senior night for the sports.  It just doesnt seem to be real.  Dustyleft to go to antoher school. He is a cool super senior.  I wish that he stayed.  Holocaust class was so much fun with him.  He will ways be my Holocaust BAMF.  

Music.  That is my life. I wake up to it, I turn it on when i am eatting breakfast, when I am driving,  I have it at school, I come home to it, I turn it on when I watch TV, it is on when i go to sleep, when I take a shower, it is stuck in my head, druing sproting events. It is my life.  But the question is: Will I still like all the cd's that I bought in 10 years?  Man I hope I do.  I like all differnt kinds of music too.  I like to find bands/groups that most people dont know or i find them before they become famouse. What would a road trip be like without music. 

Speaking of road trips. I need one, Liz.  You said it in your last entry and it sounds really good. The road is home to me.  Whenever we would move or go see family we would drive there.  Most of my memories are driving some where.  My mom and I went to Norhtern Michigan to see if i want to go there. It looks great, that is my top school so far. But the drive is about 9-ish hours.  My mom asked me about the drive and i said that it love it.  It kind of sucks, but there is something that makes me feel at home.  Whenever I go driving somewhere and I should go home (to the house) I dont want to."I want to get into a car and drive and drive until i run out of gas, twice." I suppose i need Liz.  
To tell the truth, I like to dive without talking, just music on.  Dont get me wrong, i love to tell a story or to hear a story from someone, but I dont think that I could talk all the time.  Even when my mom and I go to Casco or some place close, I hate talking.  I would be jumping up and down in the house, but when I get into the car I would become quite.  I just want to listen to the music and think.  I am a different person in the car.  
Sometimes when i am on the highway I think that I see my dad.  That scares me so much.  I would be driving by and I would look out my window and I would see a man that looks like him in and other car.  That scares me so much even though I know that he is not in America.  If you were ever in the car with me and I all of a sudden speed up, it is because I thought I saw him. 
There is this song called Breakdown, by the Plain White T's.   

That song is my life.  It is what I want to do and what has happend.

A few days ago, I got my sweet new skis back from the shop, my mom told me that Patrick also applied to the Univeristy of Northern Colorado. :)  Fate is the first word that comes to mind. It is not the right word but it works.  I dont care is he does not talk about me as much as i talk about him.  But i miss him.  I dont like to lable me firends by saying "best".  Like, "Patrick is my best friend."  I cant do that.  Cuz when I say that to and other firned I feel bad.  I feel that they think, " Man why am I not Stuie's best friend? I acctualy like in the same time zone, the same state, the same high school."  To me it is favoritiesm in friends.  I hate that.  I think about how long i have know you and how much we went through.  I still wont call you my "best friend" but you would be much higher on the totme pople than someone else. 

Lately I have been having alot of deva vu.

Life after high school. That is a class at Ferndale.  I think that Life after high school will mostly likely be college for me.  There should be Life after college.  Yeah you are suppose to go  get a job after paying a college  about $16000 to learn about your life.  For me, I kind of wanted to take a year off and find myself before i would go to college.  But if I dont go to a college my mom will shun me from the family and what not.  So I think that  I will go do that college thing on time and then after I will take off more than a year to do the things i need to do.  ( Did you know that most people are getting done with college in 5 years.  I guess it is ok to be a super senior when you are paying for your school, but not when you get it for free.)  After about five years in college I will just drop everything and leave. like Into the Wild .  I will get my list of things to do before I die out of the way. 

Truthfully I dont want to live that long.  I was talking to my gradmother and she seemed really sad.  Her best friend had to go to the hospital for having a cold. Just a normal cold that you and I would get over in a few days.  But for the ederly it is so much harder.  Familes kind of lose touch with their grandparents.  The kids have there soccer games or hockey practice or art class.  I am kind of the same way, and I hate it.  They dont ask for much, abd we give them so little.  
Also I could not stand my friend diying before me. Even my husband.  If he were to die before me I would lose it ( I dont think that I will get married, but the thought is).  
So i would like to die between the ages of 60-70.  And I dont want to die from a hreat attack or something like that. I want to die in a car crash.  Just because that is home to me.  It jsut seems right. Call me crazy, but that is my plan. 

This summer i want to go on a big road trip.  I have thought about it.  Hopefully Isle Royal will not be during the 4th of July.  Me and maybe two friends will drive out to Colorado, stay with Patrick for about a week, drive to Cape May, stay there for a week or two.  Then drive all the way up to Copper Harbor. I know that from Cape May, New Jersey to Copper Harbor, Michigan is about 27 hour drive.  I love it.  

Over the summer I put up some of my pictures on too Jones Soda.  That would be cool if they put one of them on. The sad part s that they dont tell you if they take one of your pictres, if you post them online and they dont even send you a bottle. But if you send it in by mail they tell you if they put it on a bottle, so you know.  But i hope that they pick one of ly pics.  That would be sweet.  


 I have noticed in my room, I am the kind of peroson that keeps everything.  It is mostly on my tack boards.  I have my one and only corsets from homecoming in 10th grade, the arm band from COSI ( that 8th grade trip to Ohio),  a glow necklas that Patrick put on his head, some hospital bands, both years we went to the Potoskey Tournement arm bands, some ticket stubs from flying, movie ticket stubs, pins from skiing, Skyline, this flower that Eric picked for me when we went on a little walk to Westins house on the last day of school, a frisbe too, this plastic football that USA threw out at everyone freshamn year for a pep rallie, the flower that Mr. Kehoe gave us our last game, the thunder sticks that says 'Ferndale Eagles', the dandilion that Liz and I layed down in Ohio ( that Peter  broke, we need another one),  and so much more. 

well that is just want was on my mind for a few days.  I will talk to you later...